Big Decisions

For months now, I’ve been aware of waking up with  a sort of hollow feeling in my heart. I attributed it to everything from wanting a boyfriend to craving artistic fulfillment. I thought maybe I was spiritually thirsty or just needed to make some new friends or start taking out funner books from the library. (Yeah, funner. Funner is funner than “more fun.” Funner describes a flimsy paperback with a frothy pink cover and a silly but engrossing romantic plot better than “more fun” ever could.)

Nothing really filled that sad, empty space, though. I realized gradually that I really missed my family. That was nothing new but in my first couple of years in LA I imagined that I’d soon enough reach a level of financial security that would allow me to see them relatively frequently, though they’re on the other side of the country. Five years later and I’ve held down one nine-to-five job after another, with limited flexibility in my schedule and just enough income to pay my bills (kinda) and record new music here and there.

What the last five years has taught me is that 1) I love creating music more than anything and I plan to do it forever 2) being a star is not important to me and it’s a good thing because it ain’t gonna happen 3) letting 18 months pass without seeing my mom or my dad, let alone the rest of my family, is bad for my soul and 4) I think I’m done with LA.

I have wonderful friends here and I’ve had a lovely adventure. Living in Santa Monica is something I’ll always think about with great fondness. But I think this chapter is over. I can write and record music anywhere; in fact, I am excited to be inspired by some fresh scenery. If I have to work at a “day job” while creating music in my spare time, I’d rather do that someplace where I can see my loved ones whenever I like.

Yes, living in LA has put me in close proximity to some powerful people in the entertainment industry. But while I’ve gotten to do some fun stuff, I haven’t exactly inspired Ron Fair to drop everything and make sure the whole world hears “I Want Your Man to Be My Man.” What really makes me feel like my most alive self is writing music. If I can lower my cost of living, I can spend more time actually doing that. And if I can recharge my batteries on a regular basis with some family time, I can be an even better songwriter.

Plus, I love the idea of living in a humid climate. It does wonders for my skin!

oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy!

I am positively bursting with this crazy feeling of giddy anticipation! This seriously reminds me of how I felt twenty years ago, after repeated viewings of West Side Story, when I felt like the song “Something’s Coming” captured my feelings perfectly.

Back then, the only amazing occurrence I could imagine was in the romantic realm. My dreams are more varied these days. Another big difference between then and now is that back then I thought that things simply happened to me. I now understand that those things happened because I attracted those experiences into my life.

Of course I met a boy and had my first kiss at around the time that I had the “Something’s Coming” feeling. At that time, meeting a boy was pretty much ALL I EVER THOUGHT ABOUT.

Now it comprises more like 80% of my daily thoughts. Just kidding. 45% tops. My point is that my special feeling might be me creating, attracting and allowing something wonderful to happen to me PROFESSIONALLY! Like having my song used as the theme song to a new hit reality show! I can see it so clearly, can’t you?

Do you have a magical feeling that something awesome is on its way to you? Because it is! I wonder what cool thing you’re attracting to you right now!

The Great Music Video Adventure

We made a video for my song “Naked” yesterday. In preparation for this music video, I did everything short of walking through a car wash to make sure I was waxed, buffed and polished to telegenic perfection.

My creatively gifted friend Andrea Schell produced the video and did a magnificent job of making magic happen on no budget. It was an awesome thing to witness. She even made costumes for me, including a gold-sequined bikini and a metal bra that looked like it belonged in a really sexy episode of Star Trek.

We had a lot of helpers on set and everything went very smoothly. The Director of Photography was an immensely talented friend of Andrea’s (and mine) and the only reason I don’t mention him by name here is because he’s a private guy, so we’ll call him B until I get the okay to give him proper credit. He’s a phenomenal director and I’m thrilled that I got to work with him.

Stephanie Navarro apparently travels with fairy dust in her makeup case because what she was able to do with my face was nothing short of miraculous and wizard-like. Seriously, she’s a great makeup artist and we were lucky to get her.

So I just really want to say thanks to Andrea and B, Stephanie, Kim, Bob, Joseph, Scott, Luke, the owner of the fabulous penthouse where we shot the video (I think he might be a private guy too so we’ll just call him Mr. Wonderful for now), and of course, Jeff Bauer, who co-wrote and produced the song with me.

It’s a rock song about feeling sexy and celebrating your temporary, physical self and I’m grateful that I got to experience a cartoonish version of that yesterday, shimmying around on a warm day, drinking out of a juicebox and listening to my own song over and over again.

 

Things Come Together

I feel what was referred to in Neal Donald Walsch’s Conversations with God as “blessing lucky” (as opposed to “damned lucky”). I feel blessing lucky because a couple of extremely talented friends of mine are going to make a video with me! It’s finally happening this coming Monday!

I knew there was a lot of work and organization involved, but I really had no idea how much. As the talent, I have to have a makeup artist and I got someone amazing for cheaper than her usual rate. Blessing lucky!

I found a place to get my hair done the day before for less than I normally pay.

The Director of Photography requested a few helping hands for the day of the shoot and asked that they not be total strangers. I was at a loss with this one and then my cubicle-mate at my day job (a skilled contractor who also happens to have production experience on music videos) volunteered his services! Super blessing lucky!

I still have to get my nails done, find a few wardrobe items and… I will be having my first tanning salon experience, folks. For what I’m wearing in the video, it’s a necessity. I’m also “leaning out” as much as I can in a limited time, eating as few carbs as possible (er, not counting the enormous doughnut I inhaled on Saturday night). But it’ll be fine.

It’s all coming together in a beautiful way and it started with the generosity of two friends of mine who are creative and gifted and altogether awesome.

I am so blessing lucky, people!

22 Songs in 22 Days

I came up with a new band name for a little project I want to do. I heard this particular phrase the other night and immediately loved the sound of it (I’ll share the name when the time is right).

I could be like that guy in LCD Soundsystem who is in charge of everything and is in essence a solo artist, but has a cool band name instead of just using his own bland first and last name. (No offense intended to anyone named James Murphy, of course.)

Or I could make it an actual band, a proper collaboration.

We all know I’m leaning toward Option 1. James Murphy and I see the world through the same totalitarian-tinted lenses. I have already gotten started!

Yesterday, I made a list of goals for this project. Here they are.

1) Write 22 songs in 22 days and then choose the best of those songs to be included in a full-length album.

2) Be the hottest I’ve ever been (through diet, exercise and repeated affirmations in the mirror) AND be the least hot person in the band for our live shows.

3) Submit the best three songs to a company I know of that licenses music for TV and film. I know of them because I’ve submitted to them before. And they said no. But they were saying no to “Raquel Ramos” and this will be something else altogether! They’ll be dazzled!

4) I hesitate to include this one on the list because I’m kind of waffling on following through with it, but in my original list I included the intention to write and play all the bass lines for all the songs. I’m not sure if I meant onstage as well as on the recordings but yikes, either way! Daunting much?

5) This band will have a very specific look. More on that later.

How would I describe this new band? Think Fiona Apple meets Jill Scott with a dash of 80′s New Wave. It’s not going to be too different from the indie-pop soul I’ve been creating all along. I’m just forever trying to find fresh yet recognizable ways to describe it.

What sets this project apart from some of my previous work is that I’ll be writing these songs in such a way that if you wanted the band to perform in your living room while you enjoyed a glass of wine or three with some friends, we would be a perfect fit. (This will be a hula hoop-free zone.)

I wrote Song One of 22 last night. I secured the URL for the band name (always thinkin’, that’s me!). I’ve been working out with a trainer and I’m looking into better ways of eating so that I can feel and look my best.

I have 21 more days of songwriting ahead of me. Then I have to figure out how and where I’ll record the songs I choose for the album. I’ll have to audition new band members and book our first live performance. I’ll get a simple website launched and create an FB fan page specifically for this project. And I guess I’ll have to knock a few layers of dust off the ol’ bass!

I feel like I’ve gotten kind of dusty myself lately. It feels good to give myself a deadline and creative parameters and goals. “Write about something at some point” is far less inspiring than “write 22 songs in three weeks that can be performed in living room concerts.”

This is gonna rule, man!

 

 

 

The Salesman Told Me That With Every No He’s Closer to A Yes

One can feel sad and mourn something without necessarily wishing it were otherwise. One can acknowledge a sense of loss while still fully accepting that things are as they should be. That balance is a hard one for me. If I’m bummed out about something, doesn’t that mean I wish it were different?

Not necessarily.

I feel a wistful pang every once in awhile when I think about certain moments of my childhood, but that hardly means I actually want to be nine years old again.

Just because every “no” gets you closer to a “yes” doesn’t mean that you have to pretend those “no’s” don’t sting. Of course they do. If they didn’t, that eventual yes wouldn’t feel quite so awesome.  And allowing your face to register a momentary twinge of pain when you hear another “no” doesn’t make you weak.

Weak would be if you made that “no” the end of your story. It isn’t. You know that. “Yes” is around the corner.

A Snowball’s Chance in May

It’s funny how I can let myself get stressed out or unsure about something when it’s just me standing in the shower worrying about it. Yet when I imagine bouncing it off of someone else, or explaining my stance to someone else, I’m suddenly brimming with confidence, conviction, and if the situation requires it, a dash of righteous indignation.

I’ve written songs about how “it’s not enough for me to be loving in a vacuum” because what does my loving nature mean when there’s no recipient for the love? When I was young and felt so confounded and frustrated by my search for love, I wondered if there was even any point to trying.

And of course there was and is because there are huge parts of my soul that only truly wake up when I’m loving and being loved in the romantic sense. I’m one of those people who likes her whole soul to be awake. This need for relationship is not limited to the romantic realm. Getting back to my worry session in the shower, I started out thinking about where my life is right now. I tried to focus not on “what-is” but on what I want, a la Abraham-Hicks.

I was having a tough time. Then I thought about how I’d explain myself to others, specifically people who care about me and are invested in my happiness. Immediately, my state of mind shifted as I imagined myself saying:

“I’m in charge of my happiness. I’m an adult and I have loads of self-esteem and I am not at all worried about whether I’m going to get everything I want. I know I can have whatever I want. Right now I want to concentrate on doing what I’m in LA to do, which is to be recognized for the amazing songwriter I know myself to be.”

(Yeah, I said “amazing.” What?)

I still have goals I want to accomplish and I still feel that I’m in the right place to do that. I know I’m a talented songwriter and I have a far greater chance of getting my music placed on a TV show while living here than if I moved to Florida (where my dad lives). The simple exercise of pretending to have a conversation about my desires gave me immediate clarity about them as well as a surge of belief that I can make those desires my reality.

I’m starting to feel comfortable at work. I’m starting to believe I can do well and that the job can enhance rather than hinder my life as an artist. This will be an interesting month. I will enroll in a summer math course at SMC, thereby conquering a fear twenty years in the festering; prove myself as a competent salesperson at work; and create some new professional relationships that will propel me to the level of success as a musician that I’ve always wanted. Things are going to snowball, even though it’s May. So it’ll be a pink snowball like those horrible yet wonderful snack cakes that probably do unspeakable damage to the digestive tract.

One success will yield another success; one song on one TV show will lead to a thousand downloads of that song; one big sale at work will make me feel like a million bucks and I’ll sell more and write more and be inspired and motivated and my body will look awesome and I’ll be up for fun adventures and before I know it, there will be a million dollar check in that snowball made out to me! I can see it and I know it’s on its way and in the face of that glorious pink snowball hurtling toward my world, how can I possibly doubt that all the pieces of my life will arrange themselves into a magnificent, heart-shaped constellation in a glittering sky? The universe can’t resist someone who knows who she is and what she wants. No one can. I put the “RR” in irresistible!