Some writers are the literary equivalent of Flintstones vitamins. I know that I have to absorb these truths one way or another; why not have them in tart little Wilma-shaped confections?

I’ve heard the “follow your bliss” thing before, obviously. I’ve always found it to be an oversimplification, like suggesting that you eat food that’s delicious. No kidding? Will I like delicious food better than crappy-tasting food? Many thanks for the heads-up there.

The idea of following my bliss is really ringing loud in my soul right now though because I’ve tried not following it. I thought I was being smart and practical.

And also, so many times that I have followed it I’ve ended up broke, frustrated, or in cliched show biz scenarios, such as when I was propositioned by a mid-level record executive who thought that offering me the “opportunity” to have secret sex with him once a week in exchange for recording some demos at the label’s expense made him a real prince of a guy.

(I passed up this golden opportunity in favor of paying for my own recordings and we’re back to the “broke and frustrated” portion of my bliss-following adventures.)

Now I understand that ”follow your bliss” is not the dumb-dumb advice I once thought it was. It really means, follow your bliss, even when you’re not sure why, even when you have no idea where it’s taking you, even when you feel like you should have arrived wherever you were going a long time ago.

I used to think it was something like, “Follow your bliss! It’ll be blissful!”

But really, it’s more like, “Follow your bliss! If you’re strong enough!”

Are you?

The handful of times I’ve been enlisted to sing the national anthem in public, I’ve borrowed heavily from Whitney’s incomparable rendition, because her phrasing and huge, shimmering voice managed to make that song new again.

When I was starting out as a singer, I used to do these awful cabaret shows, produced by a husband and wife who raked in a ridiculous amount of money by getting their acts to sell tickets to each show for an absurdly high price.

I generally sold my tickets to my extended family, who in spite of having been subjected to my unsolicited living room performances for years, were still kind enough to shell out fifteen bucks to hear me sing pop songs to a backing track in a midtown restaurant/bar.

Once, I was on the same bill as a male singer named Russ. He was a white boy from Akron, Ohio who aspired to be the next Bobby Brown. Russ heard me sing at an open mike one night before our show and he asked me to do a duet with him.

I was to sing the Whitney Houston part in a charming little number called “Something in Common.” I vividly recall having to sing the line “I’m the kind of girl who understands my man,” and being really embarrassed about it. But it was fun pretending to be Whitney, though of course there could only ever be one of her.

What a sad day for music.

They may or may not add up to anything.

Every coin has two sides but that doesn’t mean that one is happy and the other sad. Really, one is heads and the other is tails. The only reason you’d feel sad about one or the other is if the coin landed on the side you didn’t call, which is just another way of saying that if you don’t attach yourself to an outcome, you’ll probably be a lot less unhappy.

I think I’m sad so much of the time because I have definite expectations of myself and of life and of the people I care about and every time an expectation goes unmet, I feel betrayed, especially when I’m the one who’s failed to live up to one of my own expectations.

I don’t know if I can let go of my expectations of myself but I can see I’m not doing anyone any favors by silently hoping they’ll go left and then being angry and disappointed when they go right.

Maybe all I can do is let go. I understand the importance of letting go as it relates to love; I’m just frustrated because it seems like that’s the one loving act with which I’ve had way too much practice.

My voice is what sets me apart from a lot of the other women fronting pop bands in LA. I need to take better care of it, show it the proper respect. What’s a commitment I can make right now that won’t overwhelm me and doom me to failure (like that time I vowed to vocalize every single day for two hours per day, which lasted about four days)?

How about… I do about fifteen minutes of vocal exercises on my days off and on the one day a week that I don’t have to be at work until 12. That’s not too crazy.

What gift do you have that you’ve been taking for granted? Do you have a treasure that you’ve been thoughtlessly tossing into a corner instead of polishing it and showing it the proper appreciation?

I had a tough exchange with someone who had been a pivotal member of my band. I’d felt him pulling away for awhile, his enthusiasm for my project waning as his other commitments, along with his own passion projects, began occupying his time. I finally decided to make it official and set him free. While that was what he wanted, he took it the way one does when the person you were about to dump breaks up with you first.

I probably would have been the same way. But after a couple of petulant emails back and forth, I think we’re okay. We’re still friends and I think we each want the best for each other, musically and otherwise. Now I have to round out the new lineup in time for the next show.

In so many ways, I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. Not that I’ve arrived, but that I’m on the right path. There’s nothing worse than that feeling of going in the wrong direction, on the wrong freeway, and not seeing another exit for miles and miles. My life felt like that for so long and it was so frustrating and lonely.

Of course, it’s always challenging to remember that there ISN’T a destination at all. At the same time, it’s fine to want your vehicle to be comfortable and for the signs to be readable on this unending journey. Work still isn’t easy but more importantly, it still isn’t boring. I had a great day this week that gave me the feeling that I wasn’t on the wrong freeway. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but for me that’s huge.

Selling myself has always been a challenge, not because I don’t believe in what I’m offering but because I don’t know how to approach someone who doesn’t already agree with me about how awesome I am/my music is. My inclination is to just let people continue living their lives without me getting in their faces and pushing my product on them.

Now I’m working in sales and guess what? Even though the product is no longer me, I’m having the same exact experience. This is fabulous because the universe has made my conquering this fear, this lack of confidence, an inevitable victory for me. I’ll do it for sure! I’m facing my fears every day and if I can do it here, I can certainly venture back out into the big, bad music scene and do it there.

Another thing I’ve been fighting for months is the reality of my financial situation. There’s no getting around the fact that  I have to move. As much as I love the location of my cute little apartment, as much as I love its very cuteness, I can’t afford it. I’ve been saying this for months and digging myself deeper into debt, despair and shame. It doesn’t feel good to be an intelligent, able-bodied person in her thirties who somehow has not figured out the simple arithmetic that has landed me in this jam.

Now I have to give notice to my landlords. Once I do that, the deed is as good as done. There’s no turning back and I know it’s the right thing to do. It’s just an enormous pain in the ass.

2012 will be the dividing line between the Raquel who has potential and the Raquel who reaches for everything she wants, falls on her ass a lot and is just as often rewarded hugely for her efforts.

I am going to learn how to RECEIVE my blessings this year. Last year I learned how to ask for them but it’s one thing to ask, it’s another to believe you’ll actually get what you ask for, and it’s yet another to be ready to answer the door when that bell rings and everything you’ve ever wanted is waiting for you on your front stoop.

1) by doing my special dance in the living room and in front of the bathroom mirror

2) by high-fiving the nearest co-worker

3) by putting 5% of my commission aside to record a new song

4) with margaritas!

All I have to do is be confident, be diligent and be a living example of all that is possible!

And know that people will spend all the money in the world on what is most valuable to them. Look at me and my professionally recorded and digitally mastered albums! I found a way to do that because it was my highest priority. People find the money when it matters to them.

It’s awesome to feel truly challenged at work and to know that the better I do there, the more I can do with my music. It all works together so well. I really feel like a complete person now!

All the while, they didn’t call and I had to seek employment elsewhere. I went on several interviews and accepted a position and then… I was offered the job I wanted. I am humbled by this turn of events. I am acting as if it is something lovely that has happened and it is; but it is also something lovely that I have manifested.

And I’m proud of myself.

Merry Christmas!

Even the not-so-great experiences are great. For instance, after my four hours at work today (since my hours have been cut), I raced home to get ready for a job interview. Apparently, I don’t know how to read because when I went back out to my car, I had a big old parking ticket. I was parked right in front of the damn sign, too. Aaaauuugggghhhhh…

That put me in a nice, grumbling “Now I’d really better get the job” mindset and I set off to Koreatown for my interview. It was with a tax resolution company looking for a new receptionist. After a few minutes, the man interviewing me (one of the partners in the company, I think), asked if I might be interested in a different position at the company as an account manager. I was intrigued. Well, I was at least as intrigued as it is possible to be while sitting in a tax resolution office.

Long story short, he gave me his card and told me to think about it. After that, I had another interview, this one at a law firm in need of a file clerk. I did great at that interview until I was asked if I had any long-term goals in the legal arena. I stumbled over that one.

What I wanted to say was: “Well, of course not! Don’t you think I would have gone to law school or college or something if that were the case?”

So… I don’t know about that one. It could go either way. It’s a lovely office, near my house and the people seemed very nice. The other place (the tax thing) is a bit of a trek but the fact that I might get to use my brain a little makes me consider it.

I was so hoping to hear about that other job, the one I was really excited about. But I think I have to concede that they would have called by now. That’s a bummer. That would have been a huge jump in the right direction for me. I would have been thrilled to send off 2011 on that note. It really would have validated my choice to leave the old job. But I guess I’ll have to do that for myself.