Nothing really filled that sad, empty space, though. I realized gradually that I really missed my family. That was nothing new but in my first couple of years in LA I imagined that I’d soon enough reach a level of financial security that would allow me to see them relatively frequently, though they’re on the other side of the country. Five years later and I’ve held down one nine-to-five job after another, with limited flexibility in my schedule and just enough income to pay my bills (kinda) and record new music here and there.

What the last five years has taught me is that 1) I love creating music more than anything and I plan to do it forever 2) being a star is not important to me and it’s a good thing because it ain’t gonna happen 3) letting 18 months pass without seeing my mom or my dad, let alone the rest of my family, is bad for my soul and 4) I think I’m done with LA.

I have wonderful friends here and I’ve had a lovely adventure. Living in Santa Monica is something I’ll always think about with great fondness. But I think this chapter is over. I can write and record music anywhere; in fact, I am excited to be inspired by some fresh scenery. If I have to work at a “day job” while creating music in my spare time, I’d rather do that someplace where I can see my loved ones whenever I like.

Yes, living in LA has put me in close proximity to some powerful people in the entertainment industry. But while I’ve gotten to do some fun stuff, I haven’t exactly inspired Ron Fair to drop everything and make sure the whole world hears “I Want Your Man to Be My Man.” What really makes me feel like my most alive self is writing music. If I can lower my cost of living, I can spend more time actually doing that. And if I can recharge my batteries on a regular basis with some family time, I can be an even better songwriter.

Plus, I love the idea of living in a humid climate. It does wonders for my skin!

Back then, the only amazing occurrence I could imagine was in the romantic realm. My dreams are more varied these days. Another big difference between then and now is that back then I thought that things simply happened to me. I now understand that those things happened because I attracted those experiences into my life.

Of course I met a boy and had my first kiss at around the time that I had the “Something’s Coming” feeling. At that time, meeting a boy was pretty much ALL I EVER THOUGHT ABOUT.

Now it comprises more like 80% of my daily thoughts. Just kidding. 45% tops. My point is that my special feeling might be me creating, attracting and allowing something wonderful to happen to me PROFESSIONALLY! Like having my song used as the theme song to a new hit reality show! I can see it so clearly, can’t you?

Do you have a magical feeling that something awesome is on its way to you? Because it is! I wonder what cool thing you’re attracting to you right now!

My creatively gifted friend Andrea Schell produced the video and did a magnificent job of making magic happen on no budget. It was an awesome thing to witness. She even made costumes for me, including a gold-sequined bikini and a metal bra that looked like it belonged in a really sexy episode of Star Trek.

We had a lot of helpers on set and everything went very smoothly. The Director of Photography was an immensely talented friend of Andrea’s (and mine) and the only reason I don’t mention him by name here is because he’s a private guy, so we’ll call him B until I get the okay to give him proper credit. He’s a phenomenal director and I’m thrilled that I got to work with him.

Stephanie Navarro apparently travels with fairy dust in her makeup case because what she was able to do with my face was nothing short of miraculous and wizard-like. Seriously, she’s a great makeup artist and we were lucky to get her.

So I just really want to say thanks to Andrea and B, Stephanie, Kim, Bob, Joseph, Scott, Luke, the owner of the fabulous penthouse where we shot the video (I think he might be a private guy too so we’ll just call him Mr. Wonderful for now), and of course, Jeff Bauer, who co-wrote and produced the song with me.

It’s a rock song about feeling sexy and celebrating your temporary, physical self and I’m grateful that I got to experience a cartoonish version of that yesterday, shimmying around on a warm day, drinking out of a juicebox and listening to my own song over and over again.

I knew there was a lot of work and organization involved, but I really had no idea how much. As the talent, I have to have a makeup artist and I got someone amazing for cheaper than her usual rate. Blessing lucky!

I found a place to get my hair done the day before for less than I normally pay.

The Director of Photography requested a few helping hands for the day of the shoot and asked that they not be total strangers. I was at a loss with this one and then my cubicle-mate at my day job (a skilled contractor who also happens to have production experience on music videos) volunteered his services! Super blessing lucky!

I still have to get my nails done, find a few wardrobe items and… I will be having my first tanning salon experience, folks. For what I’m wearing in the video, it’s a necessity. I’m also “leaning out” as much as I can in a limited time, eating as few carbs as possible (er, not counting the enormous doughnut I inhaled on Saturday night). But it’ll be fine.

It’s all coming together in a beautiful way and it started with the generosity of two friends of mine who are creative and gifted and altogether awesome.

I am so blessing lucky, people!

I could be like that guy in LCD Soundsystem who is in charge of everything and is in essence a solo artist, but has a cool band name instead of just using his own bland first and last name. (No offense intended to anyone named James Murphy, of course.)

Or I could make it an actual band, a proper collaboration.

We all know I’m leaning toward Option 1. James Murphy and I see the world through the same totalitarian-tinted lenses. I have already gotten started!

Yesterday, I made a list of goals for this project. Here they are.

1) Write 22 songs in 22 days and then choose the best of those songs to be included in a full-length album.

2) Be the hottest I’ve ever been (through diet, exercise and repeated affirmations in the mirror) AND be the least hot person in the band for our live shows.

3) Submit the best three songs to a company I know of that licenses music for TV and film. I know of them because I’ve submitted to them before. And they said no. But they were saying no to “Raquel Ramos” and this will be something else altogether! They’ll be dazzled!

4) I hesitate to include this one on the list because I’m kind of waffling on following through with it, but in my original list I included the intention to write and play all the bass lines for all the songs. I’m not sure if I meant onstage as well as on the recordings but yikes, either way! Daunting much?

5) This band will have a very specific look. More on that later.

How would I describe this new band? Think Fiona Apple meets Jill Scott with a dash of 80′s New Wave. It’s not going to be too different from the indie-pop soul I’ve been creating all along. I’m just forever trying to find fresh yet recognizable ways to describe it.

What sets this project apart from some of my previous work is that I’ll be writing these songs in such a way that if you wanted the band to perform in your living room while you enjoyed a glass of wine or three with some friends, we would be a perfect fit. (This will be a hula hoop-free zone.)

I wrote Song One of 22 last night. I secured the URL for the band name (always thinkin’, that’s me!). I’ve been working out with a trainer and I’m looking into better ways of eating so that I can feel and look my best.

I have 21 more days of songwriting ahead of me. Then I have to figure out how and where I’ll record the songs I choose for the album. I’ll have to audition new band members and book our first live performance. I’ll get a simple website launched and create an FB fan page specifically for this project. And I guess I’ll have to knock a few layers of dust off the ol’ bass!

I feel like I’ve gotten kind of dusty myself lately. It feels good to give myself a deadline and creative parameters and goals. “Write about something at some point” is far less inspiring than “write 22 songs in three weeks that can be performed in living room concerts.”

This is gonna rule, man!

Not necessarily.

I feel a wistful pang every once in awhile when I think about certain moments of my childhood, but that hardly means I actually want to be nine years old again.

Just because every “no” gets you closer to a “yes” doesn’t mean that you have to pretend those “no’s” don’t sting. Of course they do. If they didn’t, that eventual yes wouldn’t feel quite so awesome.  And allowing your face to register a momentary twinge of pain when you hear another “no” doesn’t make you weak.

Weak would be if you made that “no” the end of your story. It isn’t. You know that. “Yes” is around the corner.

I’ve written songs about how “it’s not enough for me to be loving in a vacuum” because what does my loving nature mean when there’s no recipient for the love? When I was young and felt so confounded and frustrated by my search for love, I wondered if there was even any point to trying.

And of course there was and is because there are huge parts of my soul that only truly wake up when I’m loving and being loved in the romantic sense. I’m one of those people who likes her whole soul to be awake. This need for relationship is not limited to the romantic realm. Getting back to my worry session in the shower, I started out thinking about where my life is right now. I tried to focus not on “what-is” but on what I want, a la Abraham-Hicks.

I was having a tough time. Then I thought about how I’d explain myself to others, specifically people who care about me and are invested in my happiness. Immediately, my state of mind shifted as I imagined myself saying:

“I’m in charge of my happiness. I’m an adult and I have loads of self-esteem and I am not at all worried about whether I’m going to get everything I want. I know I can have whatever I want. Right now I want to concentrate on doing what I’m in LA to do, which is to be recognized for the amazing songwriter I know myself to be.”

(Yeah, I said “amazing.” What?)

I still have goals I want to accomplish and I still feel that I’m in the right place to do that. I know I’m a talented songwriter and I have a far greater chance of getting my music placed on a TV show while living here than if I moved to Florida (where my dad lives). The simple exercise of pretending to have a conversation about my desires gave me immediate clarity about them as well as a surge of belief that I can make those desires my reality.

I’m starting to feel comfortable at work. I’m starting to believe I can do well and that the job can enhance rather than hinder my life as an artist. This will be an interesting month. I will enroll in a summer math course at SMC, thereby conquering a fear twenty years in the festering; prove myself as a competent salesperson at work; and create some new professional relationships that will propel me to the level of success as a musician that I’ve always wanted. Things are going to snowball, even though it’s May. So it’ll be a pink snowball like those horrible yet wonderful snack cakes that probably do unspeakable damage to the digestive tract.

One success will yield another success; one song on one TV show will lead to a thousand downloads of that song; one big sale at work will make me feel like a million bucks and I’ll sell more and write more and be inspired and motivated and my body will look awesome and I’ll be up for fun adventures and before I know it, there will be a million dollar check in that snowball made out to me! I can see it and I know it’s on its way and in the face of that glorious pink snowball hurtling toward my world, how can I possibly doubt that all the pieces of my life will arrange themselves into a magnificent, heart-shaped constellation in a glittering sky? The universe can’t resist someone who knows who she is and what she wants. No one can. I put the “RR” in irresistible!

I’ve been asking myself what I want for days and I feel close to a clear answer. What I’ve figured out so far is that I want to be challenged every day, I want to make a positive contribution to the universe every day, I want to be filled with joyfulness and energy every day and I want to be creative every day.

I want my passion to be so well-fed that I’m eager to do everything and I’m up for whatever. I want to be so excited about life that I bound out the door every day like there’s a limo waiting to take me to Disneyland.

This was very familiar. It was automatic. And in that instant, I realized that I’m always demanding that people commit to me–romantically, musically, whatever– but I REFUSE to commit to anything! I’ve been “looking into” going back to school for a couple of years now. Yes, it’s taken me a couple of years to weave my way through the ever-so-complicated maze of community college. You know, the place where you can go for cheap at whatever pace you want without having to write an essay or pass a test? Somehow the prospect has been too overwhelming for me.

My reluctance to commit to a day job (and my insistence on calling them “day jobs,” thereby distancing myself and my identity from said job) has been well-documented in this blog. I didn’t want to commit to being a receptionist. Or a legal assistant. Clearly, I haven’t fully committed myself to my current position if I’m trying to head off at the pass any accidental gratitude I may feel in my current circumstances.

Usually, I explain this phenomenon by telling myself that I’m a musician and to define myself as or commit to being a receptionist is to betray my Artist Self.

But how committed have I really been to my art? I am forever in search of some kind of escape from trying to live up to my potential. I have more excuses for why I’m not a more successful songwriter than I have songs.

After a show last year, one of my bandmates at the time said we’d sounded great and it was fun. I agreed and said I was glad we’d had such a good night onstage because I was doubting if there should be a band at all. He said something like, “But you’re the leader! You have to believe in it because we’re following you!”

Oh, right.

In my artistic life, in my romantic life, in my professional life (such as it is), I’m always scanning for emergency exits, just in case. What that means is that my attention is divided. Instead of devoting myself to being the best songwriter I can be, the best girlfriend I can be, even the best receptionist I can be, I’m trying to plan what I should do if it doesn’t work out.

But guess what happens if you’re constantly imagining that it won’t work out. It doesn’t work out! I’ve unwittingly made a commitment to failure (to have and to hold, evidently).

I read recently that decisions are what desire gives rise to, if the desire is powerful enough. When you’re having trouble making a decision, it’s because you either don’t know what you want or aren’t being honest about what you want.

Once you figure that out, you just have to make a choice. And commit to it.

She is an avid community service volunteer and is in school to eventually become an attorney who will advocate for young people. How wonderful, right?

Shouldn’t we all look at our time on Earth as an amazing gift not to be squandered? Am I doing that? Are you?

I spent much of yesterday feeling useless and bored, because there’s just not much work for me right now at my day job but I kind of have to be there anyway. It makes me wonder what I should be doing with my time while I’m still able-bodied and strong(ish) and young(ish).

Is it right for me to wait out the transitional time at my current job, in the hopes of eventually getting to be good at it (once there’s enough business coming in for there to be something to be good at) and eventually getting to feel a true sense of belonging? Am I just feeling my usual impulse to quit something that’s not immediately gratifying or am I burning precious daylight here?

I keep looking for something outside of myself to give me some hint about what my next move should be, even though I do understand the universe well enough to know that everything begins and ends with my desires. And that’s where I get tripped up.

When I ask myself what I want with all my soul, I think of love and family and having the time and resources to spend all day writing and recording music. I imagine myself paying off my own and my parents’ debts and I imagine living in a dream house, close to the ocean.

In the meantime, I live eight blocks from the ocean (yay for me, even if I am a renter) and don’t spend nearly enough time as I should writing music but I have managed to record quite a lot of songs of which I’m quite proud, considering that I’ve only devoted about a hobby’s worth of time to what is supposed to be my fondest life’s passion.

I have no answers. This post is just full of questions. Maybe one of you has answers… or a powerful contact at VH1 who will use one of my songs as a theme song to their next reality show? What other kinds of wives are there left to exploit for trainwreck programming?